Opening up to an open marriage. By J

When we decided to open up our relationship it was after 17 years of marriage, several instances if infidelity and coming to the conclusion that humans are probably not the best species to be involved in monogamous relationships.  It does not take but a quick look around your world to see that humans are constantly cheating and wishing for other partners but that’s not the focus of this post.

The general reason for opening up our relationship was based on observations of the world, our understanding and love for each other and knowing that each of us could not possibly fulfill all of the needs each other has.  Looking back I now think we were foolish all of those years to even try to be true to one another.  E could have done a lot better job than I ever did but it is not in a females nature to have as many partners as a man would want just based on evolution of the human species in my opinion.

I thought I wanted sex.  I knew of a potential partner that E was working on behind the scenes, she thought I didn’t know about it but it was obvious from the hints she has given me since she met the person.  After knowing her almost 20 years I just know the signals.   I brought up the idea to E that we should open up the relationship and she agreed, I think mostly because she wanted to get involved with the other partner and not have to worry about lying about it.

The first two months were difficult for me.  I didn’t have a partner, just a couple of sex partners at the time but something happened after E started seeing her new partner.  I became different, like I wanted more than just sex.  I went through serious changes during this time, E was experiencing a  new relationship and she just had no interest in my feelings.  For the first time in decades I felt alone.  The kids were older now, 13 and 16 and they had their own lives starting.  I found myself alone and depressed much of the time and decided after a while that I was probably not in the best shape to find another partner until I could process what was going on around me.

We set up our open relationship boundaries and rules, like a contract that we would honor for each other, well at the time I had no partner so E and I would meet for coffee to discuss my boundaries while she sent messages to her new partner, ignoring anything I had to say.  It was frustrating.  Every day a new boundary was broken, anything from unprotected sex to texting in front of me.  E really put me through it all during that month.  I think every boundary that I had established was broken, looking back there were probably too many and I was just in shock and worried about my relationship.

I know E pretty well by now, I am not afraid to say that her personality is one that is really only concerned with herself.  Everyone that knows her outside of her circle of friends knows she is extremely selfish and does put herself above everyone else, especially when it comes to emotional feeling or something exciting.  She’s all about the party and doesn’t really care who goes or gets left behind.  I had to just come to grips with this fact about her.  When I realized that this was never going to change and that I had to just accept it as life with E things started to get better for me.  It’s nothing good or bad about E, but it’s much easier to accept the fact that it’s not going to change then move on.