Changes in the Air – By E
January 14, 2014
Changes in our open relationship
It’s been about 7 months since starting this blog and so much has happened in my life. When I think about it, my head spins. Living in an open relationship lifestyle offers so much in so many ways. Good and bad.
Recently J and I took some time to talk about how everything is going. We went to our coffee shop where we have assigned all of our meetings to take place when dealing with our open relationship. We decided to have a designated place to discuss issues, problems, feelings ect. It acts as a safe place to openly discuss things. We used to go every week sometimes several times a week when I began seeing S and then again when J met X. Its been a very long time since we have had to visit the coffee shop for meetings. I really needed to touch base with my partner and just get a feel for what his relationship with X is evolving into to and to also discuss our primary relationship, rules, limits and new boundaries. Communication is key…
We are always changing and growing as individuals and so is our relationships. I have a few boundaries and limits that have evolved since 7 short months ago. Here is a look at my before and now limits and boundaries:
Open relationship rules and boundaries:
Then and Now – red text is now
Spending the night with X was ok
Spending two nights in a row every other weekend or about every 2 weeks
Having access to all of J’s communications *passwords to freely see and read
Communicating with me daily when with X over a phone call.
*He made a decision about this that if it is okay to call him he will let me know. This is important to me and we do talk on the phone when it is okay for him. Still applies.
No fluid bonding until I have met X in person *Which we have and you can read all about it here and also that she be tested for STI’s
No texting or communicating with his partner in front of me
J texts often and in front of me and I dont think I mind. We text friends all the time in front of one another. He also skypes with X at home while the family is here or I am here. I thought I was comfortable with that but now I feel like Im being a nosey bitch when I have to walk in our bedroom (where he is skyping) to get something. I’m not trying to listen in or be involved….but I do know that X has asked J to find some privacy for their communications..I can understand why.
NEW Boundary– X will not be involved in our business in any way. She recently had a transaction with us and I was fine with that, but soon emotions started taking over and I realized how it was effecting me and J. I can only accept X in my life through a personal relationship with J. Its just easier this way. Lets stay away from mixing the two!
Other Big Changes in my open relationship
Things have changed with J. He is just making decisions about his relationships on his own and it is making me feel sorta “left out” of that part of his life. I think he does this because it seems more natural and normal for him. I never want to tell him he can or can’t do something, but I think its so important to be a part of any decisions that will affect me, my home and my family.
He decided to take a phone call or skype call with X each day because there is a period where they will not see each other for several weeks. One day he just told me what was happening but he didn’t ask me how I felt about that or if that was going to be a boundary for me. I think its a good idea for them but I also want him to plan it for when I am out doing errands ect…It really made me feel like he just didn’t care about my feelings. I know I have made it extremely hard for him in the past with any decisions, but honestly if there is no more communication or if I am not involved in some way I don’t believe I would be able to have this open relationship with him.
Value of my relationship
I’m not sure why there is less value on communication between J and I when he is away with X. Of course the reasoning he gives me is because he is physically with me every day. He wants to talk to me to check in with what is happening with the family but I know he is just doing that for me. Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to just disregard my feelings while he is away and let him have his time with her, but am I doing that for me or for him? I do need him and I do miss him when he is away. Maybe that is why I have such a breakdown.
When we are together there is daily messaging with X and J, now with a daily phone call and skype as well. Am I out of line? Do I ignore what I need? If I need a phone call or skype call shouldn’t we do that? I’m afraid that the numbness he talks about is falling into a “I don’t care about Erica’s feelings” category. That scares me. I really want this to work for everyone.